Navigating the world of dating with autism
By guest
blogger Stephanie Mitelman
Question:
I have
autism. This means that my social skills aren't the best. I also am
yet to
experience sex. I fear this is because of my lack of social skills. What advice
would you give to someone like me who wants to put themselves out there and get
into the world
of dating
and sex?
Answer:
Hi. Thank
you for your question. I want to say that it is courageous of you to ask for
help. Lots of people with and without autism have trouble navigating the
world of dating and sex. I also want to say that many individuals with autism
have dated and have found pleasure and happiness in relationships with the
right person. So your autism may bring some challenges but does not have to
limit you in this area.
To get you
ready for dating, it would be important to work on those skills that may be a
challenge for you. Dating largely relies on communication (verbal and
non-verbal), and social skills. You should work on starting a conversation,
maintaining eye contact, expressing interest, appropriate topics of conversation,
how to understand and read body language, and how to be aware of your own body
language.
If you have
questions, ask a trained educator, a
coach, or a trusted friend for help. Choose someone who you feel will give you
honest and open feedback. Ask them to rehearse some of these skills with you so
you can apply them when you meet the right person for you to date. Remember
that there are many ways to learn a new set of skills; some people learn by
intuition and others need more concrete instruction.
You can also
work on body awareness, any sensory issues you may have (light or hard
squeezes, being touched in a certain place or way) and what gives you pleasure
and does not. We all need to be able to express these limits to a potential
partner. It is also important to read up on safety and sex, such as preventing
pregnancy (if this is possible and not intended), as well as reducing the risk
for sexually transmitted infections. There are many reliable sites that can
explain safer sex practices.
As far as
meeting someone goes, this is a hard one for most people, so you are not alone!
In today’s age, online seems to be a key method. There are several sites that
help match you based on interests and other factors. One benefit here is that
this method will give you time to get to know someone through emails and chats
before meeting in person. The downside here is that there are some cases where
people claim to be individuals they are not. So caution always needs to be
taken. I would read some Tips for Online Dating before starting this.
If this is
not for you, then lots of people meet each other via shared interested and
activity groups, like cooking classes, the gym, or religious gatherings. So
joining a new group may be a prime way to meet new people.
Once you do
meet someone new, it will be up to you to disclose your autism or not. Most
people wait a few meetings before sharing such personal information with a new
person. But if you plan to date the person then letting them know about autism
may be helpful for the relationship so they better understand you, and some possible
difficulties with social situations, communication, and/or sensory issues if you
experience them. Remember that relationships take time to build. But the
strongest ones are rooted in honesty, respect, and friendship. Good sex is
usually born from this.
Stephanie Mitelman, MA is a certified sexuality educator and Professor at
Concordia University in Montreal, Quebec. She has a private practice where she
sees individuals and couples with special needs for sexuality education, and
also hosts the largest online marketplace for sex education teaching materials-
Sex Ed Mart.com. Contact Stephanie at info@sexpressions.ca
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